Stamford 3 v Hunts County 3


Second of the home matches for me – a 10 minute drive into Stamford!!

As JW reported earlier this season – they have actually got around to refurbishing their festering, flea ridden changing rooms so at least we weren’t going to have to wipe our feet on the way out!!

Carlos was back in the team after sitting in the sun for a couple of weeks – giving Doc a break from playing up at the dizzy heights of no 2!!

I was first up against Mark at 5. I pointed out some pretty significant, (disgusting!) blood stains on the walls during the warm up but it was clearly not an issue as he just shrugged his shoulders – clearly the refurb / clean up hadn’t reached the courts yet!! (We were also having to play on one court for the first hour or so as one of the lights was hanging from the ceiling!!)

I started really well taking the first against an awkward opponent who certainly knew how to play the angles, (think Edders on steroids and you’ll get the idea!!) This was not a pretty match for the spectators, (mine usually aren’t!!) – not helped by both of us trying to win quick points! The second was mine to lose as I had game points – and yes – you guessed it – I did manage to lose it 17-15, (knob!!)

Pissed off with myself I then continued with the same tactics, (that didn’t work!) and lost the next two games – despite Doc telling me what I needed to do, (sorry Doc!!). Both games were close but yet again the brain went for a walk in the opposite direction – not happy as I really should have put this one to bed!!

Buddy meanwhile was up against their youngster – Chase. Whilst I didn’t see it I knew that it had been a quick one as Buddy was on the balcony watching most of my capitulation!

The power and pace of our man was way too much for the plucky youngster who was duly dispatched in three fairly routine games!

Welcome back Buddy boy – great performance to level up the match!!

Next up was Carlos at 2 – (playing before Doc as he had left his shoes at home and had borrowed Brodder’s!!)

It was clear from the first game that our man had really enjoyed his summer – sublime racket skills as always but way off of his usual pace and fitness – cheeks all rosy and puffed out.

Despite our man’s clear lack of fitness he took the first – exerting his class over his opponent. Unfortunately the break between games one and two wasn’t long enough for Carlos to recover and he lost a very tight, lung busting second – 19-17 – despite having several game points!!

Buddy disappeared to give our man some words of wisdom to try and get him back on track – he returns to let us know how Carlos was doing….

“He’s f**ked boys!”

So, with the match hanging in the balance Carlos sets about digging in to try and get himself over the line against an opponent who was chasing everything down, (which was clearly pissing our man off a treat!!)

Great players can find that bit extra when they need it and Carlos is one of those who can raise his game when required – and he did!!

Our man got the bit between his teeth and despite being on his chin straps and blowing from every orifice he managed to take the next two games to get the much needed win!!

“Sorry Brodders – I’ve put a few miles on those mate!” says Carlos as he hands Brodders his shoes back!

‘Carlos The Great’ isn’t quite back – but that was a pure gutsy performance – what a marine!!!

Nice one Carlos – brilliant – (and the new shirt looked great too!!)

So, it was down to Mr Impeccable to seal our first win of the season and give Brodders a nice easy run out for a change.

This was all very routine for little Doc as it was clear from the start that he was far too quick, and neat for his lanky opponent who looked as though his knees could do with a refurb!!

Doc was 2-0 up in no time at all and at 12-12 in the third he decided enough was enough and dispatched his opponent to close out the match and secure the team win!

Doc – whilst it was a routine match by your standards you still have to beat what’s in front of you – very tidy mate – and not a bead of sweat in sight – once again an example to us all – what a team player – legend!

Having left his shoes outside for the soles to cool down – Brodders took to the court against their no 1 – David. Unfortunately their man was wearing a Hamburg Veterans Champions shirt and bandana – so he must be really good then!!

Unfortunately for their man – our man was much better and completely took him apart in the first two games – helped along by being gifted several strokes, (you’re not the only one Stiggy boy!!)

Much to our surprise their man had a purple patch in the third and went into a 7-0 lead! Brodders was never going to lose this match but a lack of concentration in the third saw their man gain some confidence and take it to a fourth.

Bristling Brodders was clearly not happy, (neither were we as we were starving and very thirsty!!)

So what does our seething no 1 do???

He puts his opponent to the sword and takes the fourth 15-0 in about three minutes.

Wondering WTF has just happened his opponent shakes his head in disbelief and skulks off court!

Brodders – what can I say – Awesome my friend!!

So – our first win and 18 points!!! (one lousy point from me but at least I was driving home on my own in the loser’s car!!)

Apologies for blotting the score sheet lads!!

We went off to the Jolly Brewer for a nice helping of cottage pie and really decent beer, (not as good as yours though Mitch!!)

Bristling Brodders update – Not happy with losing the third – and even less impressed having to put on his festering, clammy shoes after Carlos had borrowed them – never mind my friend!!

Next up – Cambridge at home – Skipper duties over to our Vice Captain Gab!


2nd team at home to Peterborough

Up firsts at #5 the artist formerly known as Gary Puckett (JP) was up against Neil. Didn’t see this one but from our man’s assessment it seems he played sh1t in the first game then woke up to win.


At #4 Posh Chav (still not happy that the new team shirts are not made by cotton traders)

Played the hair clipped, odd shoes enigma Tim.

Chav, stormed into a 2-0 lead (again)Which readers of these little reports will know is totally unheard of! (Apart from last week) Sadly it clearly got to him (again!) at 2-2 a total repeat of last weeks failure looked nailed on. However, to his credit Chav pulled up his Armani socks, rolled up the sleeves of his Ralph Lauren jumper and pulled out a great win.


At #3 (Last on court) Tom (who now has a new nickname. See below!) played Judas Halliwelll. The first game was excellent squash and at 13 all Tom had Luke totally out of position and promptly drilled it into the bottom of the tin. There was a small pause, then with Bob Monkhouse/Tony Hancock style comedy timing Tom exclaimed (very loudly) you C**T!! (So now you know his nickname) Lost a tight 2nd, played superbly to take the 3rd, then died on his arse losing 12 straight points in the 4th.


At #2 Chappers played the very good (and way better than the #1) Justin. 5 cracking games. Match of the night, with Chappers superior fitness showing through in the end. (Just!)


At #1 I played Ady, their happy go lucky number 1!! At 2 games to 0 down and about 10-2 down in the 3rd he declared ‘this court is shit.’ (As he failed to dig out another doublesesque lob with his very weak backhand!) Now, those of you who know me, know I am usually quite shy and quiet. However, the clubs honour was at stake. So I replied with ‘F*@k off Ady, it’s not the court that’s sh1t, I’m doing fine on it.’ I think he got the message.


Descent portions of something and rice (apologies to the 4th team if the reason our portions were good is because we ate theirs as well!?)

A very pleasing 18-8 win (just like the football team from Woolwich, we are top of the league!)

Ainley watch:

Came to watch, marked a couple of matches, drank lime and soda, went home. (Sorry, I should have made sure you were sitting down before I wrote that sentence)

Posh Chav:

Classic burgundy chino shorts with deck shoes, but controversially a normal t shirt. No cotton trader to be seen!

JP relationship update:

Currently still unattached (He was suspiciously close to the teenage girls at the pool table though)

Bar bill, a respectable start to the season of £127, considering Ainley was on soft drinks and Gary had a coke or 2 (he’s not yet recovered from being ‘Ainleyed’ last Thursday night)

Cheers, JW

Spalding v Hunts Co 

Away at Spalding – well, sort of home(ish) for me albeit I was a bit late, (Buddy was not impressed!!)

Really nice club with fantastic courts and a great bunch of lads so we were in for a good evening!

I was up first against their giant no 5 – Phil. This bloke hits the ball so hard – imagine Pittams on speed and you’ll get the general idea!! Anyway – I couldn’t get near him in the first but did manage to get stuck into him in games two and three which were both very tight. Like a knob I tinned a drop with game point, (15-14) in the third but couldn’t get over the line and lost it 17-15!!

Great match despite the result!

I didn’t see Gab up against a very fit and decent youngster – Josh. Whilst our man went down in three, as always he battled and made his opponent have to earn the result having been blown away in the first – with two tight games in the second and third – once again close but no cigar – 3-0!

Hard luck Gab – always difficult against these youngsters who pick everything up – you took one for the team there!

So at 2-0 down we were relying on Buddy to keep the match alive – up against their wily no 3 – Martin – covered from head to toe in neoprene!!

As this was only the second time Buddy had picked up a racket since last season it was clear that he needs to get some matches under his belt!

He did however take the first and looked in control – only to find himself 12-2 down in the second – managing to get a few more points before his opponent levelled. The third was really tight and at 13-13 our man decides to find the tin – TWICE – I knew something was wrong as I could hear the “F*@ks!” from the changing rooms!!

Into the fourth and Buddy was tiring – he did dig in but sadly it wasn’t enough and he went down 3-1!

Great effort Buddy – not easy at 3 is it, (or 4!!)…… as you said – more court time required!!

The final two matches were epics – very difficult to call the match of the night so I won’t!

Doc, filling in again at two for the absent Carlos was up against their portly skipper – Gary. As you’ll all know Doc is a proper team squash player – he can raise his game when it matters, (sadly I’ve never been able to do that!!)

Whilst Doc lost the first it was clear that he was just sussing his opponent out – we didn’t bother to go and see him and offer any words of wisdom, (no point as he’s in another world – and we talk complete bollocks anyway!)

Our man raised his level and had his opponent visiting every inch of the newly sanded floors – taking the next two games – still looking fresh – all decked out in blue, shirt tucked in – legend!

Very uncharacteristically Doc then slightly disappears in game four to give his red, sweaty opponent some hope!

You’ll all know what happened next – Doc pulls his socks up, (ever so slightly so the tops were level), tightens his shorts, (just enough to keep his shirt tucked in) and set about dismantling his opponent in the fifth to take the match!

Brilliant Doc – how do you do it?? (rumours are that you’ve snaffled some of those special tablets from the surgery – can we have some please??)

Brodders was up against Scott at 1 who he’d never beaten so this was going to be a tough one for our man.

Previous matches between them had been tense affairs so their lot decide to take a shower leaving one of us to mark – with me drawing the short straw as bender Buddy didn’t fancy it!!

Brodders was bang on it from the get go with some really aggressive attacking squash – taking the first two games – much to the surprise of the balcony!

We all felt that his opponent would come alive and in games two and three he really did! There were a number of contested calls from both players and it all got a bit tense in the fourth with Brodders at match point, (15-14) when he pulls out of a high lob – hoping for the ‘stroke’ to secure the win.

Unfortunately I didn’t think it was and so awarded a ‘let’ – Bristling Brodders wasn’t happy but you have to call it the way you see it, (their lot thought it was a great call!!) Scott then hits a couple of sublime winners to take it to a fifth.

“Glad I’m not marking this one” says their skipper” (thanks for that mate!!)

The fifth was extremely tight, and tense with a number of disputed calls, (and glares) towards me – not that I was in any way intimidated, (I used to mark Chunky!!!)

Brodders dug deep and managed to close the match out through sheer grit and determination – another valuable 3 points!!

Brodders – absolutely fantastic my friend – another five game epic – against a 23 year old too – brilliant!!

Being a very similar set up to Royal Hemingford we dined on the premises – the skipper’s wife serving up a fantastic chilli followed by massive portions of blackberry crumble for those who could manage it – their skipper had my portion and then complained that he’s never going to lose weight – seriously how he dispatched that I’ll never know – he even put Buddy to shame!!

Despite being an extremely nice club they don’t have any beers on tap – I’ve passed them your details Mitch as they’re looking for a bar manager!!

Bristling Brodders update – pretty much the entire five games of his epic match – and having to eat straight afterwards whilst sweating like a wilderbeest!!

Buddy was very happy as they had his favourite tipple – cans of fosters – what a philistine!!!

Next up – Stamford away, (well home for me!!)